A Quick Guide to Toddler Tantrums

Toddler tantrums are a universal experience for parents, signaling a phase of development where little ones are learning to express themselves. While these emotional outbursts can be challenging, understanding the triggers and implementing effective strategies can help manage and diffuse tantrums.

Disclaimer: Blogs are a great place to get helpful information but they should never replace mental healthcare and this blog is no exception. These blog posts do not replace mental health care and are not medical advice.

Identify your internal beliefs about emotional expression in children:

  • We all carry beliefs about how children should behave and express themselves. We developed these beliefs in childhood and carry them with us in adulthood, especially when we become parents. Even if we don’t think we’re carrying beliefs, we are and they come out when our kids are having a tantrum. Check in on what yours are, where they come from, and if they are healthy. 

    • For instance, something I hear a lot no matter how old the child is, is “she rolled her eyes at me” or “she stomped up the stairs,” I always ask, “yeah, but did she do what you asked?” 

The answer is usually yes. So, if the child did what they were supposed to, what’s the problem? Are they not allowed to have feelings about it? 

When your boss gives you a correction or direction that you don’t like, do you scoff, roll your eyes, or talk about them behind their back but do the work anyway? How’s this different from what your child is doing?

Stay Calm and Collected:

  • When faced with a tantrum, take a deep breath and remind yourself that tantrums are a normal part of a toddler's development. Responding with a calm demeanor can set a positive tone for managing the situation. If you feel too overwhelmed to respond positively, walk away and give yourself some space to calm down and think logically. It’s better than escalating the situation.

  • Ensure Safety:

    • Prioritize safety during tantrums. Move any potentially harmful objects out of your toddler's reach to prevent accidents. 

Provide Comfort and Reassurance:

  • Sometimes, a comforting touch or a reassuring word can make a significant difference. Let your toddler know that you are there for them, offering support and understanding during their emotional outburst.

 Sometimes, if my 3 year old is having a tantrum, I give her a hug. It sounds strange, but it calms her down. My theory is that it has something to do with compressing the nervous system and calming the nerves down. We can then talk about what’s upsetting her.

  • Identify Triggers:

    • Pay attention to what triggers tantrums in your toddler. Is it hunger, fatigue, frustration, or a sudden change in routine? Identifying triggers can help you anticipate and address potential meltdowns before they escalate.

  • Offer Choices:

    • Toddlers crave a sense of control. Provide them with simple choices whenever possible. This can empower them and reduce frustration. For example, ask if they want to wear the red or blue shirt.

  • Maintain Consistency:

    • Establishing consistent routines and rules provides toddlers with a sense of security. Knowing what to expect reduces anxiety and minimizes the likelihood of tantrums. 

Okay, we’ve all heard about having a routine. But I’m a mom and sometimes I’m not using a schedule because I have other things going on in my day. However, I’ve noticed that my toddler doesn’t need a schedule because I’ve created a consistent environment and communicate daily with her about what the plans are. 

For instance, she knows every morning when she comes downstairs I’m going to make her breakfast, then get her dressed, brush her teeth, do her hair, etc. While we’re doing these things I’m talking to her about what we’re doing today and where we’re going. I say “first we’re going to ___, then we’re going to _____, and then we’re going to ____.” 

After this, we’re usually playing or on our way out the door. I do things in a specific order with her everyday and it creates consistency and stability in her world.

I hope these quick tips helped you to figure out ways you can manage tantrums in your house.

Best,

Carmelita Aufdemberge, LPC-IT

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